Will My Illnesses Ceasefire?

I did a stupid thing and I got a part time job. A basic 9-5 type of job. A cashier/bagger combination down at a local grocery store in the next town over. I haven’t held a job in over two years. Not since the wheelchair, the Schizoaffective Disorder, the seizures, and the chronic pain, and the suicide attempt. It’s only about fifteen hours a week, barely part time.

I did a stupid thing and I got a part time job.

I told my boss I have to take meds three times a day and can’t work past three in the afternoon. Because I still need time to go home and cry at how bad my body hurts. Time to come home and electrocute myself into numbness with my tens unit. Time to choke down too many ibuprofen. Time to spend too long in the shower. Time to do my therapy prescribed stretches. Time to come down off the high of hearing derogatory voices all day. Even after staying faithful to my antipsychotic for almost two years, I still hear voices constantly. A droning noise of voices. A sinister John Carpenter amalgam of sound. Every time I try to do something good for myself the voices are always right there. Always reminding me that I’m going to fail.

Can I even handle a job?

I’d much prefer to stay home and stare out the big bay window at the apple trees. 50/50 it will rain or shine but I can always feel the rain in my head regardless. Psychosis pulling my soft brain apart like sticky cobwebs.

You might ask what it’s like to live with chronic mental and physical illnesses. I’ll let you know what it’s like. It’s like your body and mind are fighting a war against the one thing meant to keep them alive. It feels like you were born to be destroyed.

I did a stupid thing and I got a part time job. Will my illnesses ceasefire? I doubt it. Chronic illness waits for no healing. A ravaging train with no breaks.  It’s an unwelcome guest in a body I didn’t even get a chance to learn to love.

 

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7 thoughts on “Will My Illnesses Ceasefire?

  1. I also suffer from Schizoaffective disorder. Same as you, the meds only help a little and i still hear things all the time. I actually got a part time job a couple of years ago. I knew the store manager, and she was the one that even asked me bc of my great work-ethic. When I worked with her before, though, and even on medication, I WAS a good employee.

    She didn’t know, however, that since then my mental illness decided to show up and crash the party. When I started at the job, I was fine at first, even with the noise, etc. Then, the thing that all my doctor’s kept saying that I’d most likely get worse. I did. The day she came in and I was holed up in the men’s bathroom looking terrified, she sent me home. But not in that state. She called my mom and she came and got me.

    After that, her and my Mother talked. When I found this out, I was mortified, and then the anxiety blew up. Not pretty. So, I didn’t have a job after that day… and i was SO relieved.

    That, however, is MY story. I can’t tell people that what happened to me is the norm. I’m proud you got a part time job. It speaks very highly of you.
    Just remember to do self-care. When I ended up in the situation I did, it was because i didn’t do that. And listen to your body. A lot of times, something will feel “off” right before an episode.

    so yes… my two cents. I really hope this works out for you! 🙂

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    1. I hope is works out but I am so so so so so scared for the exact reason you’ve brought up here. I don’t know that it’s a good idea and I’m so nervous and would feel bad backing out now after they’ve already hired me but what if I had an episode in font of people what if I had to go to the hospital? So many what if’s that I’m not sure it’s a good idea but I don’t know what to do.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This is very hard.. I know.

        There is a lot going on in your mind right now. Doubts, fears, nervousness, etc. They’re valid. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

        As for the job. Do you think you’d like working there? Will there be employees around you during your shift? And if so, how many? Does anyone you even slightly know work there too?

        Here are some thoughts:
        -Employers don’t report or tell on you if you decided to not take the job after they hired you. People do it all the time.

        -the more people on a shift can cause to things, one bad and one good. The bad is that if you also suffer from anxiety, it will probably get worse. The good is that if you feel anything remotely connected to a breakdown, there will be someone there to take your place. You can just tell them you feel sick. Then let the emotions out… it doesn’t have to be all of them, but enough to get you through your shift.
        -If you feel just horrible and afraid of being there even if it’s only 1 hour into your first shift, you are allowed to leave as long as you can call another employee to replace you. And if it gets so bad you can’t possibly take the time to do that, then leave. You won’t have a job anymore, but you have to listen to yourself. Even in leaving a job like that isn’t going to affect job-searching again if you ever feel up to it. You just don’t put it on your resume. No one is going to be doing background checks, especially for a job you had only for a short time.

        And, of course, you may be psyching yourself out. You’re so worried of what bad things might happen, you aren’t open to things that might be good:

        -More friends. Sure, that doesn’t always happen, but I can tell you that a couple of my close friends I have right now were colleagues of mine first.
        -You might end up loving it. Or even strongly like it.
        -It might take your mind off your daily struggles with the illness. I know that if I’m focused on something, the only thing that would make me lose concentration is an emergency in the store, or the things I hear get uncontrollably loud.

        Just weigh the pros and cons. Make a list, and don’t be afraid to put every little possibility on it. Bad AND good. I know that’s hard for someone with our illness, but we have to try.

        I hope all goes well for you, though. I truly do.

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      2. I’ve decided to back out of it. I honestly don’t think I will be able to handle it and want to continue to take care of myself, in addition to some new health concerns.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes, because doing self care definitely important if you eventually get to a point where you feel as you can work.

        But, (of course there’s a but) with our mental illness, things can happen… and some times the shift is too much to handle. One t

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